Master should be coming home any time now. All day I have been trying to think of ways to make his return to home as soft as possible. Dinner's ready. I crave his cock. I crave his power over me. I wish I could have it tonight but I know that after the last 24 hours of work, he will not want to engage like that.

It's always fleeting; this sex drive of mine. It's the antidepressants. It's been this way for a very long time now and I really hate the fact that it's hardly or never there. My sex drive- when it's functioning properly- makes me feel alive.

I was pretty ill a few weeks ago and went off the medication. I have not been able to go back on it because I now associate that new medicine with being horribly sick. I know it's silly and that they're not connected but I guess that's just how I am. Anyway, the pill's effect on my sex drive is beginning to lose power. Every once in a while I feel a flicker of warmth.

My doctor says that I should begin back on the pill when I am in need of it's assistance. I am aware that it's still in my system now... that combined with my current busy schedule...well, I haven't had the chance to think much.

I am thankful for Master. We may not be actively kinky but he is still Master. I love him and I will do my best to support him. It's not always easy for us... but I feel like we may be hitting a clearing here. That's a relief.

Because sometimes, when it was bad... I would wonder. Why would he stay with me and be so miserable? How could he stand it when he could easily find someone else who would not hold him back? Is he a masochist too? But right now I don't think I need to worry about that stuff because things are alright.

I'm a little sad. A family member died today. I haven't seen him in years...having moved so far away. I have grown away from a lot of family after so many moves. I heard about his illness weeks ago and wondered what I could do. Nothing left to wonder now. I'm not sure how I feel about it all except to say I am sad.

Labels: 'personal', adjusting to living with Master