i've kept things tidy around here but now i am kicking it up a bunch of notches since my father is visiting next week. There are a few things that i have been putting off: the assimilation of the last few of our things, where to store the last few items, how to organize random loose ends. What's really frustrating is that we have very little storage in this place. Example: there's no closet by the front door for storing jackets and such. i'm not used to that.

Anyhow, i just did a bunch of cleaning and that makes me feel better. The thing about cleaning is that it is so temporary. i can feel like i accomplished so much and then Master can come home and have a good bit undone in less than an hour.

i'm focusing on cleaning today because it is something that i have control over. i'm still looking for a job, which turned out to be more of a challenge than i had anticipated. Historically, this is an economically depressed region and the current economy just makes it that much more difficult. i remain positive, though.

Every day seems to bring new challenges, even if i am unemployed. i am finding my way to somewhat of a routine. i visit the health club daily. Master and i walk every week night. i do the grocery shopping and errands. i read up on what is happening in town and try to involve myself as desired: art openings, museum, church.

The challenges are unexpected. Take this week for example. Master loves politics and is a flaming democrat. The DNC is His Superbowl. So, from 5pm until bedtime - for the past 3 days- He constantly switches around all the major news channels for coverages. At first it was tolerable. Now, it's driving me crazy. i can understand Him wanting to see the speeches. He goes 60 extra yards, though- just listening to pundits go on and on about how historic the nomination was. i understand that He is interested in different opinions and coverage. It's just getting to me is all.

Since i am unemployed, i have come to rely on what little routine i had. One of the things i have enjoyed is that on weeknights, after He arrives home, we go walking together. It gets me out of the house at night. Obviously, the DNC gets in the way of that. I'm sitting around at night... sitting around. i turn to the computer but i've accomplished all my computer work during the day. i read. i try to sketch. i run out of steam and get antsy.

Last night, i sort of had enough. i sat with Him for as long as i possibly could and then i put myself to bed. i woke up to Master settling into bed later. i feel horrible, but i snapped at Him. i really fussed and bitched. Every night, He has a routine and this routine can not be broken. i was freezing because He has to have the a/c on frigid at night. The radio was glaring in my ears: He needs to fall asleep to talk radio.

i just snapped. What about me? Where the heck do i fit in here? Right now, in many many ways, my life is built around Him. Sure, it sounds appealing to those in this lifestyle but i am just not comfortable with it. It lends for disappointment. Some could argue that i am only disappointed because i am thinking only of myself. Maybe partly this is true. Yet i swear to you that most of the time, i am putting Him first. i set His a/c on frigid every night so He doesn't have to, even though i don't like it. i built myself around Him. Maybe that is it: i am around Him and not a part of Him fully yet.

We have spoken about how we are having difficulty with that: Master hasn't entered into the type of compromise that i have. Some would say: He's the Master, why should He? i don't know. Probably because we're more than just kink on a sexual level and that there are many complexities involved in relationships. Probably because we're still finding out what we want and what works for us. Probably because as a human, i have a need to feel a certain level of comfort and i desire to be a part of His life just as much.

i believe that as the person in control, a Master is responsible for seeing the big picture, always. A Master does not and never will mistake kindness for weakness. A Master can put what is best for the relationship ahead of what is best for Himself. It is so much more for us now than it has been before. It's not just about the weekends where we could focus on sex and all the fun stuff. A Master knows when it is time to switch tracks, to reel a girl in. A Master stays on top of everything.

i think that my expectations are unreal. Master is human and He can't stay on top of everything. It's hard for me, though. One reason i enjoy being submissive is because i feel safe when i submit. i can let go and know that everything is being taken care of by Him. Lately, though, i feel like that is not the case. i know it's because it is impossible for everything to go the 'right' way. It's still hard to reconcile, though.

Are Dominants, by nature, self centered people? Of course they take care of their submissives, but isn't wanting to be pleased, wanting what they want- at the heart of their core? i mean, that is what makes them so?

Conversely, submissives tend to enjoy giving. We like centering our lives around pleasing our Dominants. Yet, we are also self centered because if we do not get what we want, we are not happy. If we do not have the outlet we desire- whatever that may be- we are off balance and not fulfilled.

i know that personally, a drive for me has in the past been to put that self centered desire away. For good. It might seem strange but right now it seems important to bring a lot of my needs back into the mix. Just because so much is changing and i feel that i have to be represented.

i mean, of course there is a balance of everything. Ego can only go so far.

And i'm confusing myself now so i'm ending this.

Labels: a slave's selflessness, adjusting to living with Master, house cunt