When Master punishes me for my infractions, the slate is wiped clean. In a perfect world, the following should happen. After i make my error, i report it to Him and register it on the infraction list. Then, i am to make sure that i do not punish myself mentally as He is the only person who holds the right to judge me and punish me. Master punishes me for my error when He sees fit and the slate is wiped clean. i no longer think about the error except to have learned from my lesson.
i haven't been racking up too many infractions. When i do, it is because i truly forgot a requirement...not because i willfully broke Master's rule. Additionally, on the last two visits, Master has chosen not to punish me for the infractions that have piled up. So, they keep piling up. i keep cringing, wondering when it will come. i struggle with making sure that i don't punish myself. i wonder when the slate will be wiped clean. i squirm.
Yesterday, a big infraction was registered as i willfully broke a rule and deviated from Master's menu. The temptation was so huge...chocolate to a woman on her cycle. i was weak and i gave in. i did my best to not self punish and i called Master immediately in an attempt to keep from self punishing. i was really sensitive to every word He said, to even the tone in His voice...searching for anger and disapproval. If i found it, then i would worry: He's mad at me.
He reminded me that He wasn't angry and that He will punish me for it. He reminded me to not punish myself: only He carries that right. i went home, wrote up my infraction and then decided to go to the health club in an attempt to deal with my feelings in a positive way.
It's frustrating, this long distance relationship. If we were living together, He would have the option to deal with my infractions and punish me immediately. Not that He has to punish me immediately but at least He would have that option. Maybe if that happened, the process would have a more natural ebb and flow. 'Cuse now i'm really needing the slate to be wiped clean. It's hanging over me like a black cloud and i'm fighting hard to not give into the temptation to self punish.
Friday, April 11, 2008
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2 comments:
I wonder if you should ask your master to 'wipe the slate clean' for you by getting your punishment(s) over with? I know this is a tricky business as neither of us want to 'top from the bottom' but I think feeling like this is hanging over your head isn't helpful to you and may even be detrimental to your well-being.
I do love the fact that your master was so neutral about your infraction. That is really amazing and I imagine, very healing for you. I know I am my own worst critic and judge, much like you are; if anything, I need to be saved from my own harsh cruelty to myself.
Kudos to you for going to the gym to deal with your feelings!!!! You are taking such good care of yourself, which is very hard for folks like us to do. **Hugs**
It's funny you mention asking Him to wipe the slate clean for me, my psychic twin. i did just that! i believe that i did so respectfully however, He declined that request for a reason He chooses to keep to Himself. i'm working with that- not living with the black cloud over me. Although i'm not great at it yet, i do feel improvement in this area.
i love the fact that He was neutral, too. He handled that so well...i really bounced back well from that: a result of my changing coping skills and His response to my refraction.
Thanks, blu. Your comments always feel like hugs. :)
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