Master and I had an enjoyable weekend. We reconnected and it felt so great. I missed Him so much. Lots of blowjobs and orgasms. Even an assfucking thrown in there.
Ever since I said "yes" to Master's marriage proposal, I have been quite introspective on the topic of marriage. Turns out that I had always wanted marriage yet I had no idea what it meant to me. It seemed like a status to reach and a way to legitimize myself in relation to Master and the world.
I still haven't stopped wondering about it. What is marriage? A commitment? We had that without marriage. Plus, lots of marriages don't involve commitment- be it openly or in secret. I hear women say "I'm your wife- don't scare me like that!" or "Is that any way to speak to your wife?" and I just don't understand that. Does being a wife entitle one to a higher level of respect? I never had to genuflect to my married girlfriends before. Does being a wife mean that you don't have to do things that girlfriends do (I can just hear some men thinking "sex..." now)? I had someone on a social networking site actually comment on my "got married" status by saying "Welcome to the club". Ugh, that just sounded horrible. I don't want to be a part of that married club, anyway. Do married women feel intimidated by single women?
Does marriage ensure that you will be together always? No, nothing does. Yet we had already expressed our desire to be together.
I actually googled "what is marriage" a few days before we wed. It took me to a woman's blog who wrote, in a nutshell, that marriage is sticking together no matter what. Through all of the pain, frustration, pauper like times. Marriage means that if a husband has dementia, the wife is obligated to move into the nursing home with him. I found her writing sappy, scary and nice at the same time.
So, marriage (to me, anyway) is me saying "I will follow you into dementia". Or you will give me dementia... but either way, I will go that far. That deep.
What else? Proclaiming your love in front of family, friends or God (depending on your personal beliefs). Not necessary, I overlook that one. It has legal benefits. Cheaper car insurance, tax breaks, health insurance. All nice, but I don't quite understand this whole thing. Just because two people go to a justice or minister, they are magically granted legal benefits that those who won't marry or can't marry can't receive? Why is that? Our government still holds true to biblical values, thus we scratch your back if you get hitched? It's just so ... unromantic or disenchanting or some other... word.
I think that I will find out what marriage is in small, sometimes hard steps. Like the other day, when Master experienced something that placed Him in a vulnerable position. I knew it. Yet I had to tend to a part of it that I felt He should have; being the person in charge that He is in this relationship. He didn't tend to it, and I got upset and kind of pissed at Him for it. It wasn't until minutes later that I realized. He is Master but there will be times that I will have to do what is necessary. There will be moments that I will have to take something over- just because He is so human and I support Him. It may not be the perfect situation, but that's relationships for ya. That's my marriage, anyway.
I like referring to Him as my husband when I am with Him alone. It feels intimate and wonderful. It makes me feel 'grown up', even though I'm not quite sure yet how His responsibilities have changed as He went from live in boyfriend to husband. Sometimes I find myself in situations (like today, changing my name on an account to my married name) where I try to go around saying "my husband" to anyone else but Him. I have always sort of detested women who have to tell every living soul that they got married, and find every way imagineable to work "my husband" into every sentence. So, I called up and said "need to change my name". They asked "you got married?" I say yes, and most of the time they will say congrats and I feel all awkward and stuff. I am not a girly girl and that stuff doesn't make me gush. I guess, as I grow older I am also growing more private.
I try to break that awkward feeling. When I was with Him the other day, I told someone that we just got married, just getting 'started' blah blah. I didn't like it. Thought it would make me feel 'legit' in someone elses eyes. Turns out, it just made me feel like smeone other than myself.
So I guess, so far, being married is an experience to me that is more private. It is intimacy and learning that there will be very tough times where I will have to step up and protect my protector. Oh, and the senile thing too.
We had an awful argument this morning. He didn't speak to me afterwards. He left for work without saying goodbye. I just needed to get something from the bedroom. Passing by the restroom, I glanced over into it and saw his wedding ring on the counter. I wanted to get sick when I saw it there. It doesn't belong there.
I miss him so much. He's in that summer work mode/schedule. Sometimes I have to fight to get him to notice me now. I hate that. I miss him so much, time spent alone with him. I want to just lay in bed with him and be held close.
I've always wanted to see Master fuck another woman. A threesome, interactive but with emphasis on voyeurism on my behalf. Now that we're married? I want it even more. I had this fantasy last night about that type of encounter and it drove me even crazier. Want it! Badly.
We've crossed the threshold: anal sex only from here until further notice. He's been pushing me the last few days on multiple slave related boundaries. It brings good and bad hurt.
Last night as we curled up in bed, I joked about how we seem to be 'saving' ourselves for the wedding night. Master then declared that we will have sex the night before the wedding and that will be the last time we will engage in vaginal intercourse until further notice. On our wedding night, He will fuck my ass and that's how it will be until He says otherwise.
Wow, I didn't like that at all. He's been talking about an anal only sex life for about a year now and I have always cringed when it loomed in conversation. I love vaginal too much to let it go. Not only that but gosh... on our wedding night? That wasn't the dream I've always had in mind.
Then again, He said stuff like "you will then be my property legally and I will do what I want". That's sexy.
How can anal made to be romantic? I've always wanted romance on my wedding night!
Labels: on being used
Master wanted a blowjob. Just out of the blue, "I want a blowjob". Two months ago, I had no problem doing that. Two months ago I was in better health and on depression meds that helped. I really wish I could just out of the blue do that for him. Sometimes though, especially now with all the complications... I just can't snap into it right now.
He's working now and I'm going to try to get into the minset. If he wants it when he comes home I'd like to be able to pleasure him.
When I marry him in a few weeks, I would like to feel like I am not just marrying my best friend and lover but my Master, too. I call Him Master because afterall well, He is. Yet we haven't been active M/s in so long...that has to be built up again. We need this, and I should talk to Him about that. I would like it to be unspoken that day, that He is taking full ownership and control and that I am pledging my support and service in addition to everything else.
I miss Master. He's been away at work all week. Lots of wedding planning going on while He is gone; the wedding is just a few weeks away. My dress came today. Aside from receiving the engagement ring and seeing the spot where we will be wed, the dress made it feel more real. And it's not even a traditional dress. Just a sundress. But I am very happy with it.
I just miss Him. Can't wait until He comes home tomorrow. It's been a long week for the simple reason that He hasn't been around.
Thanks for the kind words, everyone. :)
