He just left, into the snow because he couldn't stand being around me anymore. He's angry. I don't blame him. He said I am not the person he fell in love with years ago and I know I am not. I wish I could be that person again but I am so deep in this fucking depression that I am barely breathing. This is what is going to kill my marriage. I fucking hate it. I wish I could get out of it. I wish I could fucking be normal. I wish I could stop it. Just fucking stop it. I wish I could just end it. But all I can do is just sit on this couch. and be disgusting. i am so disgusting. i disgust myself.

I'm pregnant. At first, I was a mix of happy and terrified. Now I'm just terrified. How am I going to do this? I spoke with my Psychiatrist, and off the meds I go for the good of the baby. I am keeping up with weekly therapy to help me through. It is a high risk pregnancy without the psychological factor. Will I have this baby or will it have me? Is this how it is? Is this normal? Every day for the past 4 days I have wondered how I'll make it through this. Do I even want a kid? I feel guilt for having all of these thoughts.

It's bad in my head. And I wonder about Master. He's not doing well, either. He's just as scared as I am, just as shocked. I think he's depressed, too. He's with me in the bell jar. I feel like I took him down into it. I feel a lot of guilt, all over. I know my sickness brings him down.

It's a fight. Going to have to dig deep.

I have stabilized some. Some. I continue intensive therapy and also visit the psychiatrist to monitor my medication, etc. For a few weeks there, I thought my medicine was perfected but I think I was wrong.

My sex drive is low to almost non existent. I know that Master often reads kink blogs, watches kink porn and even looks at kink profiles online. Those things did not bother me so much when I was engaged with him on a kink level. It bothers me more now. I feel like I am starving him of something he needs and well, I can not help from shouldering that blame. How can you expect someone to live without something they desire so badly?

The deeper I delve into therapy, the more I wonder if I will ever return to the lifestyle. I feel like my trail of bread crumbs will age and blow away behind me. Sometimes, from that new place I am in, I look at lifestyle and I feel a level of disgust. Not for anyone else, but me. I see that it is quite possible that although I certainly did *enjoy* kink immensely, I ended up on that path because of physical and emotional abuse and my own neglect to properly address these things and how they affected me.

Sometimes, I think back on life as it was when I was a mistress. Engaging in kink with him was a drug for me. It gave me a high, it gave me solace and escape. Even sometimes, when stressed, I find myself aching to feel it again and I know the need is born from insecurity and fear.

It's a long process. I think I am under here, somewhere.

Labels: ugly side

Life has changed dramatically. I no longer write here because the small shred of submission that I held has been demolished by feelings of hopelessness, emotional blackness. Depression. I have been and still am close to admitting myself into an inpatient facility for treatment of this...black dog.

Labels: ugly side

Master has declared tomorrow as a 'protocol' day. All day, without a break, I must let go and follow Him no matter what. That used to be pretty much the norm. Since I moved in a year ago, we have strayed away from any sort of protocol. I'm fearful of what will happen. It's been so long since I've been in a position of complete submission for more than a couple of minutes at a time.

It will be very tough to let go. I'll try. Maybe I will find something.

Labels: on being used

It wasn't really a storm. There was enough instability in the atmosphere to lend to random lightning strikes in the mountain area. It was just before dawn, about 5am. Lightning struck very, very close to the house. Woke me up immediately, panicked and breathing hard for I had been stunned out of a deep sleep. Master's arms reached out and pulled me into His chest. He always sleeps so deep. Nightmares often wake me in the same manner but Master never knows. Felt so good. I was protected.