I was reading a post on Fet the other day where someone was writing about scening at a dungeon. They casually mentioned a 'DM' (dungeon master aka safety police) in their story. i cringed as soon as i saw it.
Now, i hit the ground running so to speak when it comes to kink. i read the sleeping beauty series, went online to find out more about what turned me on and in a relatively short amount of time made kink friends and ended up in the scene in DC and Baltimore. i went to parties, munches and conventions. i went to the crucible lots. i learned tons and met some great people. It was a good way to get my feet wet.
i've since experienced different things, amazing things, in private with Master. These things feel perfect to Him and i yet are sometimes what i was warned against when going through 'SSC' (safe, sane and consensual) school at the clubs/munches/etc.
Now, the mere idea of a DM makes my skin crawl. i understand why folks have them; safety, insurance, public area, etc. Additionally, in my experience, the club scene can be conducive to the casual. Meaning, friendly Doms & subs would try each other on just for a scene or two. Obviously, not everyone does this but it happens. In an environment like that, i can understand the need for a DM. Then again, if you engage in a scene with someone you don't know so well...? Well. i restrain from passing judgment. That would be wrong!
The idea of someone else monitoring a scene or even the retelling of a scene between Master and i- the fact that they would interfere if they felt it wasn't 'safe'? It's offensive and infuriating.
i guess it's because someone else may feel the need to over ride Master's authority. i gave my consent to Him ages ago and nothing cancels that out. Safe words do not exist with us. There is no 'yellow' or 'red' with us. i trust Him and only Him with my life.
i'm not bemoaning anyone who is SSC mantra oriented, it's just not our thing. It drives me itching mad to think that 'DM' or 'safety police' would pass judgment on what is 'safe' or 'sane' to us. i propose renaming "Safe Sane Consensual" to "For Using Consensual Offerings Fabulously & Fearlessly"
i was looking through the slideshow on this blog last night after i wrote. i saw the picture of the 'bed on the floor' that i made in the winter when i needed some extra strength. i knew that was what i needed to do last night. In addition, i put my night collar on way before bed time.
What i take from floor sleeping is that i wake up constantly in the night simply because it is uncomfortable and i always have to reposition. Every discomfort is His touch, His will, His control, His love. Last night was a more extreme example of floor sleeping because all of my extra linens and blankets are at Master's now. i took a thin summer sheet from the bed to cover the carpet. There wasn't a bit of padding- the sheet was to keep me from rug burning as i moved in the night.
i woke up very sore and achey this morning.
i've asked Master, every day, if He was scared yet. i'm not doing that anymore as it feeds into the fear i wrote about last night. Asking Him doesn't protect me at all if His answer was 'yes', anyway. i asked because He turned on me so suddenly last year when we broke up and so i tried to keep on top of things so i wouldn't be surprised if it happened again. i can't keep anything from happening, so why torture myself in the meantime?
Plus, if i am going to live a life as a slave- as His slave- i have got to let go of this thread. Starting last night, i did my best to put those pieces in place. Today, i will continue.
Labels: ugly side
i have got to let go of this fear. i have got to understand that i am allowed to be happy. i have got to stop waiting for it to end, to vanish or to walk away. i know that not many can really understand this but here i am, 11 days away from moving in with Him and i'm scared that between now and then He will decide to no longer put up with me and my issues.
All i can think about is the time i got my license. As i drove away with the laminate card still warm in my pocket, i had to look back just to make sure they weren't calling out to me from the parking lot to say that they had made a mistake and that i wasn't granted one. Why can't i just let myself be happy?
It's not that i walk around miserable. i do have moments of joy and happiness to be sure. Overall though, in my outlook...in my general day-to-day stress levels...why can't i achieve relaxation? Because i can't let go all the way. Because i'm always scared. Of something.
Let me just tell you that this fear thing is not only frustrating the hell out of me (and Master) but it's also terribly exhausting. Always putting out energy, looking above me to make sure that the sky isn't falling. i don't have the energy anymore. i want to live my life and be happy ALL the time not just when i forget to be scared. i want Him to rest easy knowing that i'm ok and relaxed, too. He doesn't deserve to put up with this shit, He really doesn't. i know He does it because He loves me. Still, it's not needed and it can be fixed.
i am not putting energy into this fear anymore. i have thousands of other things that i would rather put energy towards.
i witnessed a man today, yelling out of his car window at a passing ambulance (lights & siren ablaze) because it wasn't going fast enough for him and he wanted to get through the intersection. i was also caught in front of an obviously drunk man. Who leaned on the horn at me while i was sitting at a red. He followed me to my apartment complex and almost hit me twice (it was the only place i could pull over and let him pass, anyway). He'd crazy speed to get on my tail and then break so that it would screech. He passed me in my complex and almost hit an oncoming car. i found him in the lot that i park in. His door was open, he was leaning out- music blaring- and just sitting there.
Both of these incidents happened between 7 & 8am this morning. i'm so ready to get out of the metro area. People are so mean. Tend to be a bit scary and crazy, too. If i find myself up terribly early (like today) on a weekend, i always go to the grocery store. i like to drive & shop while everyone is still at home (or where ever). The streets are so peaceful. The isles in the 24 hour grocery are clear of ignorance. It's painless.
Obviously, this morning was not the case. i think this city has reached saturation point when it comes to pissed off, irresponsible and scary people. i'll say it again: i am so excited to move to a beautiful, peaceful area of the country.
According to my family, my cat is continuing to adjust just fine. That makes me very happy. They give me nothing but reports of praise: how well mannered, beautiful, social and sweet she is. Of course...she's my baby!
Just under two weeks left until i move in with Master. i have 2,000 emotions passing through me on any given day. i can't believe how fast this time is going. Yet it's not going fast enough. One day i'll be terrified of the job hunt & not finding a job... the next day i feel safe and confident that it will be just fine. i crave vegetables and will work out. 24 hours later, i hit up taco bell and skip the gym. It's really crazy. It doesn't help that i've had PMS and am expecting my period any hour now. i still have no desire to orgasm yet, either. i have lots of sexual emotions and feelings but my feelings never stray to needing to climax.
Labels: 'personal', masturbation, planning for living with Master
For days, i have been longing for Master's cock. i don't think it's just an oral fixation thing, i'm quite sure it's just a strong need to serve and please. i believe this is a strong point in myself and it's something i am proud of. Once upon a time, it was all about me during sex and i would never dare to give blow jobs.
You know, i'm starting to fantasize about my first night living with Master. It will be during the work week and His schedule is still crazy so my dreams are not far fetched. i do imagine that Master will put the necklace around my neck; the one that we found together. It's a leaf pendant. Master always tells me that i should be like the leaf: relax, let go and just flow with it...gracefully.
i imagine that Master and i will engage in our pre-bed ritual: i kneel before Him, offer myself and He chains me in for the night. i will ask to sleep in His bed. i am not sure if, in my fantasy...He should have me sleep on the floor or next to Him on that first night. i do, however, dream that He makes love to me. Maybe it will be the last time He would be so tender with me during sex, and maybe that's the sexiest thing ever. We will kiss and touch and be so aroused so long before He enters me. i imagine that we put it off as long as possible, teasing ourselves until He just has to take me...moving on top of me. i know it's may seem retro and dull to some but i really enjoy missionary. To me, it's traditional. The Man is in control still. From that position one may turn as kinky or as soft as they wish.
i dream that He tells me He loves me. And holds on to me. i want to fall asleep before Him.
Labels: leaf, planning for living with Master
Master lifted my orgasm restriction days ago. i attempted to masturbate the other day- used the old, faithful rabbit vibe. It didn't work. Not only that but i fell asleep. With it in me. It was still on.
Wow.
Since then, i have not felt a need to even try to masturbate. i am not sure if it's masturbation or climax that my mind is rejecting. This may sound absolutely strange but for now, i am perfectly fine losing both.
However, i can't give up fucking. i won't want to cum- and probably couldn't if we did fuck- but i'd still want to be fucked. It makes me feel owned, used. It makes me feel sexy. i become a tool when He fucks me. Fucking without a need to come is pure service. Giving, not taking.
Just two weeks left.
Labels: a slave's selflessness, masturbation, on being used, orgasm denial, planning for living with Master, training
Well, last night i had my post-cat breakdown while i was on the phone with Master. Since then, i have been doing better. i guess i needed to get it out. It's lonely around here, especially at night. i used to pet her every night before i fell asleep and she would sleep in my bed with me. my family says she is adjusting just fine. When they tell me stories involving her it makes me miss her even more...gosh, she's really a sweet, adorable and easy going pet.
Today i forced myself to get up, go to the club and not think about that stuff too much. i even had a salad. Starting yesterday, a friend of mine and i started weight watchers together. i wish i could say i've counted points so far but i haven't.
This is a rough time to start a diet. i have so much stress with this move and so many emotions attached to it, too. i don't care, though... i just want a little boost. A little boost may get me started. Perhaps tomorrow will be like today, where i do alright and make moderate choices. That will be a step in the right direction.
When i got to work today, i flopped into a chair in my boss' office. i received necessary updates on the office. As i was getting up to leave, she delicately asked me if i was ok. Why wouldn't i be, i thought? 'Yes,' was my reply - coupled with a perplexed look. She took my queue and added, 'Are you scared yet? Nervous?'
i told her i wasn't except for the fact that i feel a personal pressure to find a job, asap. Somehow that didn't seem like the answer she was looking for. When i left her office, a coworker grabbed me and asked me the same question: Are you scared? i repeated my answer when she said, 'Well, i'm starting to get scared and nervous for you'.
As time counts down - and believe me, it's counting down fast- i find myself focusing completely on things like employment, insurance and a new bank account. i'm the kind of person that can not fully take in, relax and enjoy until every last detail is in place. So, perhaps that's why i haven't been dwelling on the fact that i am moving my entire life in just a few weeks.
Every once in a while i experience a moment where a thought in the back of my mind will push forward: most of the time it is disbelief. i can't believe this is finally happening. i can't believe that i will no longer have to do 14+hour round trips. i can't believe that i will no longer have to feel sad on a Sunday night because i know i will have to leave the next day. i can't believe that all this planning is coming to a close. i can't believe that this Man is really going to catch me, hold onto me and guide me forever. i can't believe that i will be living a "24/7" (whatever that is) life of a slave: His slave at that.
A big disbelief is that i can't believe that i am in a stable, strong relationship. With someone that is my heart. i'm so not used to this. To the point where i still- instinctively- fear abandonment at times. i still worry at times, expecting all of this to just...go away. Still seeing small improvements with putting these reflexes behind me.
Sometimes, i have an overpowering need to know what all of this is like for Him. i want to experience it all from His perspective: everything from the control to the merging of our property. How does He exactly anticipate this huge change in our relationship? i ask Him, i get answers...but i can only get so far into His head. He likes to be in mine, not the other way around.
Labels: leaf, planning for living with Master
